Thursday, May 10, 2012

Strange kind of Mother's day

I've been thinking how strange this Mother's day seems to me.  My mother is not doing well. I don't know how long she will last in her current state but it is apparent that we are nearing the end.  Before my Mother's illness I don't know when the last time was that I spent a Mother's day with my mother. We lived too far apart.  Now she has been here for 4 1/2 years so I've had Mother's day with her each of those years but mostly she hasn't really been my mom on those occasions. You can read about another Mother's day here where I felt my mom with me for real. So I'm facing another Mother's day and this time instead of just acknowledging her mental state declining I am watching her dramatic physical decline as well. I'm watching her body fail to function.  I'm praying that she can just go to sleep and not wake up rather than decline further. I'm praying for her to be able to die.

It is an odd thing to want your parent to die.

In some ways, I lost my mother a long time ago but not through death. I have wondered if when we get to the first Mother's day without my mom on this earth, will it feel like the first Mother's day without her? I remember after my mother's mother died, my mother sitting alone in the chapel on Mother's day crying quietly to herself.  Is that how I will feel? Or is it possible that I might actually feel closer to her when she has left her mortal body because then my real mother will be rid of the disease that took her personality and ability to act like a mother?

During the years my mother has been here, I have put up a very tall emotional wall.  It would have been too hard to feel the emotions that go with having a loved one deal with this disease. It would be too painful. So up went the wall.  I don't allow myself to cry. At least not very often. But in the last little while as it has become apparent that she is failing, a few tears have leaked through my wall. I still can't let the wall come down as there are too many things that have to be dealt with matter of factly, but there was a leak.

So this Mother's day I will celebrate with each of my children around me, but I'll be thinking about my own mother and trying to sort out the feelings I have about her leaving this world. I already know what it is like to not have my mother in mind and I know what it is like to be physically distant from her, but what will it be like to recognize that soon I will not be able to reach out and touch my mother? At least not until the next world.

So this Mother's day seems strange to me. This will be my last Mother's day with my mother. It is a good thing as she will be able to leave suffering behind but I'm conflicted in my feelings.

It is an odd thing to want your mother to die. 

1 comment:

Brooke said...

Love you, Mommy.