Friday, June 1, 2012

Patience is hard

Sometimes it is hard to be patient and wait for the Lord's due time.  Mom is 10 days without sustenance. But she just can't seem to go home.  We all want her to. We've told her it is okay for her to go. Each day I think she can't continue without food and water but she does. My sister and I both stayed all night last night instead of doing shifts.  We didn't think she'd make it through the night. But she did. I do not understand God's purpose for prolonging this.  We've watched the sequence of events for a lot of people dying here in the last 4 1/2 years. The people disappear from the dining table and are gone in just a few days. This has all blurred in my head so I can't remember when Mom stopped eating at the table. It has been at least 2 1/2 weeks and I'm thinking a good three weeks or more.

So why has she had to wait all this time? I do not know. Am I supposed to learn a specific lesson from this experience? Is it for my dad's experience? My siblings? I haven't figured this one out yet. Perhaps it is simply to teach me patience. 

I prayed for Mom to be able to go all day yesterday but the sun is coming up on yet another new day. We continue to give her morphine in the hopes of keeping her comfortable but she is breathing through her mouth so I know it is incredibly dry.  My sister tried to swab her mouth a bit ago and it didn't go well. I can't imagine this to be comfortable even with morphine. I tried to hold her hand yesterday but she indicated discomfort immediately so I let it go. Perhaps sensing our presence is enough. Perhaps morphine is enough. We don't have to hold hands.

So in our sleep deprived state we will continue with another day of watch care, of feeling useless, of praying for her release. And I hope today my prayer will be answered. I hope it will at last be the Lord's due time.

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